Last night, my boyfriend Tate* and I got into a bit of a kerfluffle. We were sitting on the couch, talking, teasing each other, and during our banter I ended up playfully slapping his arm. Nothing hard, nothing abusive, but still, a slap.
He recoiled.
Turns out, Tate had been bullied in school, and that bullying has conditioned him to react very defensively to slapping or hitting of any kind. (I was bullied too - boy howdy, was I - but teenage girls are more prone to, say, braying at you like a donkey in the hallway than actual physical violence.)
And so we had a tense, terse discussion, in which I learned that what I thought was a harmless gesture - even one of affection and flirtation on my part - was a trigger for him that he finds very unpleasant. I went from giggling and having fun with my boyfriend to sincerely apologizing for being so careless.
Here's the thing: if I'd have known he felt so strongly, I would never have done it. I felt horribly.
Throughout the last year and a half, the biggest questions I've had about the tragedies that I've been through have circled around did God know?
Did God know this would happen?
Did God purposefully lead me into this heartbreak?
Did God tell me to do this even though He knew how it would end up?
I can't rectify it. I can't seem to get my head around the idea of the loving Daddy I know - or thought I knew - leading me down the garden path.
I heard a pastor say once, "God gets blamed all the time for things He had absolutely nothing to do with!" That phrase has echoed in my mind for months.
Maybe He didn't know.
Maybe it's all about free will, and God didn't know the decisions people would make that would hurt me, devastate me, leave me feeling thrown away like yesterday's compost.
Maybe He's just as heartbroken as I am.
But then again, maybe He did know.
Or maybe I'll never actually know either way.
One thing's for sure: I'd never have slapped Tate - even playfully, as it was - if I'd understood how much it hurt him. And I never will again.
I've been bullied, too - God knows.
*Name has been changed
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