The Seeking Daddy Project Day 14: The benefit of the doubt.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

It's only the second year out of all of my 31 that I've had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day.  I'm very excited for our weekend plans.

However, since I have spent 29 Valentine's Days without a boyfriend, I had instead to find love elsewhere; and in many years past, I found that love - that comfort, assurance, peace, and joy - in Daddy, God.

This year is different.

This year I feel estranged from the source of love I could always count on.

I was on the phone last night with a close, faithful friend who knows my story, and who himself has also been led by God into some of these same mountains and valleys.  I listened to him in silence for awhile as he talked about theology, his church, and some of the issues therein that he's dealing with right now.

Then, even though he knew already, the words came tumbling out - about this blog, about how far away I feel, about how  I don't understand how God could let this happen.  How, even worse perhaps, He would will it so.

My friend knows my hurt personally.  He's been through it before.

"That's really tough, I know - believe me, I know," he said finally, after a few seconds of silence.  "You just have to keep trusting Him."

I'm a big believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt.  I do it almost to a fault.  It's part of the reason I'm in this situation in the first place, frankly.  To the people I love, I'll continue to give grace upon grace upon grace, whether or not they've shown they deserve it or can be trusted with it.  I fully admit that I give people the benefit of the doubt probably well after I should.

God showed me grace when I didn't deserve it, so how can I not give it to others?

There's always a moment, though - a moment that is enough.  A moment where I have taken it on the chin one too many times and I can no longer bear it.  A time when I feel like I have to stand up for myself and say not this time.

I don't think it's supposed to be the same with God, though.

You just have to keep trusting Him.

I hope I can someday.  For now, I'll keep seeking out what that really means.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. -Proverbs 8:17