Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Seeking Daddy Project Day 54: Too much ME.

Did you ever get just really, truly, genuinely sick and tired of yourself?

I've heard it explained many times that there are only two focuses in life: either God or oneself. I'm either being selfless or selfish.  Giving or grabbing.

It's either Him or me.

I've realized recently that the wearing away of my faith, what happens when I just basically ignore God, isn't big or brash or overtly really noticeable in anything that evangelicals tends to preach at me about in "avoiding temptation" or "sin".  None of it really matters.

It's not the occasional swear word, or the bawdy joke, or the cocktail, or the fact that I'm thinking of going back on birth control. (Controversy!)

It's not the fact that I'd rather listen to standup comedy than Christian music, or flirt with guys, or...the list goes on and on and on.

I'm pretty sure I thought that when I stopped hemming myself in, when I stopped feeling guilty about and denying my own "secular normalcy," that the world would cave in. It didn't.

None of that frivolous stuff is really consequential.  It's much more insidious than that.

I've only recently started to notice it, actually. Here's what it is:  I'm starting to become so sick of myself.

The bottom line is that I don't like who I am without Jesus.

That sounds weird.  Let me put that another way:  I don't like who I am without Jesus actively working to make me more like Himself.  Because right now, I'm not letting Him.

In recent weeks, I've found myself to be an insufferable, lazy, sniveling little worm of a person.  I'm suspicious, negative, bitter, and toxic. I'm derisive instead of gentle, judgmental instead of graceful. I don't give the benefit of the doubt; in fact, I doubt everyone.

Nothing is worse than looking at yourself in the mirror and feeling the urge to look away quickly so you don't see the selfishness in your own eyes.

It isn't me. Wait, actually - it is.

It's me without Jesus.

To be honest, I've spent well nigh on almost two years pushing God away.  Two years of being just angry and bitter and frustrated, stewing in my own filth.  Two years at the turn of a decade that, when my birthday rolled around, everyone told me would be the best.

As I look at it now, I think it was that last burst of Peter-Pan-ness, like a teenager being dropped off at college. I was handed bitter disappointment and heartache, to be sure, and instead of stepping up, I sulked.  I sat down in the parking lot of my dorm and refused to move for two years.

Today marks four months until I turn 32. I don't want to spend another year as myself without Jesus.

I want to step into a faith that is more real, more mature, and more every-day than my faith had ever been before.

Faith that's more about purpose than a plan.

Faith that's more about kindness than blessings.

Faith that shows Jesus' love instead of talking about everything else.

I'm tired of myself - not of the stuff that makes me human, but the little, creeping, sneaky stuff that keeps me from showing Jesus' love every minute of every day to everyone - whether it be over a cocktail or in a church pew.

It's time to step up.  I'm almost 32.  No more sulking.

I choose Him.

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Seeking Daddy Project Day 53: What This Woman Wants

At 31, I've been dating for 15 years now. Fifteen years, lots of dates, a few relationships, and no marriages later, I'm very familiar with being "crossed in love," as Mr. Bennet says in Pride and Prejudice.  Years of dating as an adult have worn me down from someone who believed in soul-mates to someone who now believes in really good fits, and also someone who recognizes the rarity of such.

I'm also a big sister to a young woman just beginning her adventures in dating as a grownup (may God have mercy on her soul), and my little sister now sometimes comes to me for advice on relationships.  I'd make some self-deprecating remark about how I don't know anything about men, but to be honest, y'all, I have some stories.

After one of our mutual-makeup-applying chats in front of the bathroom mirror this week, I drove to work thinking about the whole idea of how do you know?  I came up with a list of what I think are some of the most important characteristics - at least for me - in knowing that a man and I will fit well together.  This isn't a checklist of qualities or a row of boxes to tic off; it's that deep, in-your-gutness that I've only ever experienced, oh, maybe once or twice in my life so far.*

I'd be interested to see if any of you feel the same way.

1. Do you respect and admire him for his character, integrity, maturity, and strength?
I've had entire relationships fail because one of these four isn't met, but they usually go hand-in-hand...and usually it's either all or nothing. I'm not talking about strength as in physical strength, either, obviously:  I mean emotional, relational strength, usually manifesting itself in generosity and selflessness.

2. Do you feel safe with him?
Again, this isn't really about physical safety, though that's good too: I mean, does being with him feel like home?  Does it feel like coming home after a long day and wrapping up in a blanket, or a bubble bath, or whatever your preferred method of comfort is?  Life's rough and it will hand your heart back to you, shredded.  The right person should be a soft place to fall, not someone who makes you feel exhausted or on edge.

3. Do you value his opinions?
This kind of goes hand-in-hand with #1, because they'll naturally feed into each other.  If you respect and admire someone, you value and seek out his thoughts and his take on life.  I know I need someone who can help me see the forest when I'm stuck staring at one tree.

4. Does he get your jokes and make you laugh?
Dude, it's going to be a long life if I have to keep explaining my jokes to you.  I mean, seriously. I don't have the faintest memory of the outfits or the food or even often the restaurants of the occasional six-hour dates I've been on, but I remember every line I've ever said that made a man double over or throw his head back in laughter.  Every. Single. One.  Like, up until yesterday (when I wasn't even on a date), every single one.

Oh, and also, please don't be dull. Craig Ferguson, Patton Oswalt, and Louis CK are all middle aged fathers but they make me weak in the knees because of how smart and funny they are. Take note.

5. Does he challenge you to be better in some way?
This one's the kicker, and the one I've experienced far less than any of the others.  This one is rare.  A great smile will captivate me and a nice full head of hair will definitely turn my head, but all of that is circumstantial compared to passion, ambition, a willingness to pursue knowledge and a talent for leadership. I can count on less than one hand the men who, by the very virtue of who they are, have inspired me to be a better who I am. From an ex-boyfriend, to a coworker, to a good friend, these men have and still continue to push me in ways that are sometimes uncomfortable and always challenging but that are ultimately the most vital.  If life is about growth, I want a man who will always be asking me to grow with him.

So that's my list.  What do you think?  Have I learned anything in my decade-and-a-half of dating?

And now, because I must, I leave you with Charlotte York's similar wail, "I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted! Where is he?"

*Here's hoping the third time's the charm, eh?