At 31, I've been dating for 15 years now. Fifteen years, lots of dates, a few relationships, and no marriages later, I'm very familiar with being "crossed in love," as Mr. Bennet says in Pride and Prejudice. Years of dating as an adult have worn me down from someone who believed in soul-mates to someone who now believes in really good fits, and also someone who recognizes the rarity of such.
I'm also a big sister to a young woman just beginning her adventures in dating as a grownup (may God have mercy on her soul), and my little sister now sometimes comes to me for advice on relationships. I'd make some self-deprecating remark about how I don't know anything about men, but to be honest, y'all, I have some stories.
After one of our mutual-makeup-applying chats in front of the bathroom mirror this week, I drove to work thinking about the whole idea of how do you know? I came up with a list of what I think are some of the most important characteristics - at least for me - in knowing that a man and I will fit well together. This isn't a checklist of qualities or a row of boxes to tic off; it's that deep, in-your-gutness that I've only ever experienced, oh, maybe once or twice in my life so far.*
I'd be interested to see if any of you feel the same way.
1. Do you respect and admire him for his character, integrity, maturity, and strength?
I've had entire relationships fail because one of these four isn't met, but they usually go hand-in-hand...and usually it's either all or nothing. I'm not talking about strength as in physical strength, either, obviously: I mean emotional, relational strength, usually manifesting itself in generosity and selflessness.
2. Do you feel safe with him?
Again, this isn't really about physical safety, though that's good too: I mean, does being with him feel like home? Does it feel like coming home after a long day and wrapping up in a blanket, or a bubble bath, or whatever your preferred method of comfort is? Life's rough and it will hand your heart back to you, shredded. The right person should be a soft place to fall, not someone who makes you feel exhausted or on edge.
3. Do you value his opinions?
This kind of goes hand-in-hand with #1, because they'll naturally feed into each other. If you respect and admire someone, you value and seek out his thoughts and his take on life. I know I need someone who can help me see the forest when I'm stuck staring at one tree.
4. Does he get your jokes and make you laugh?
Dude, it's going to be a long life if I have to keep explaining my jokes to you. I mean, seriously. I don't have the faintest memory of the outfits or the food or even often the restaurants of the occasional six-hour dates I've been on, but I remember every line I've ever said that made a man double over or throw his head back in laughter. Every. Single. One. Like, up until yesterday (when I wasn't even on a date), every single one.
Oh, and also, please don't be dull. Craig Ferguson, Patton Oswalt, and Louis CK are all middle aged fathers but they make me weak in the knees because of how smart and funny they are. Take note.
5. Does he challenge you to be better in some way?
This one's the kicker, and the one I've experienced far less than any of the others. This one is rare. A great smile will captivate me and a nice full head of hair will definitely turn my head, but all of that is circumstantial compared to passion, ambition, a willingness to pursue knowledge and a talent for leadership. I can count on less than one hand the men who, by the very virtue of who they are, have inspired me to be a better who I am. From an ex-boyfriend, to a coworker, to a good friend, these men have and still continue to push me in ways that are sometimes uncomfortable and always challenging but that are ultimately the most vital. If life is about growth, I want a man who will always be asking me to grow with him.
So that's my list. What do you think? Have I learned anything in my decade-and-a-half of dating?
And now, because I must, I leave you with Charlotte York's similar wail, "I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted! Where is he?"
*Here's hoping the third time's the charm, eh?
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