On Easter Sunday afternoon, I was driving behind my best friend's car towards her apartment, on our way to Easter brunch with her family.
"I've been thinking about what you said yesterday," I said haltingly to Tate on the phone. "...and...I just...I can't give you what you want."
He sighed. "I don't think I can give you what you want, either."
I blinked back tears and choked out, "So...what does that mean...?"
We were both quiet for a moment.
"It's the adult thing to do," he said.
Soon after pulling into my best friend's apartment complex, I was single again.
Even though our breakup was mutual - dare I say amicable - and something I think we both knew was coming, it still stings a bit. Though Tate and I remain close friends and speak often, it's still sad. It's possibly the most mature parting-of-the-ways I've experienced.
And yet, I feel a bit like the wind has been let out of my sails.
I never thought I would still be single at 31. All my life, I've dreamed of having a partner - in ministry, in family, in life. Perhaps it's a little girl's fantasy, perhaps it's a desire shoved on me by the patriarchy, perhaps it's just something I long for, but it's always been there. I know I'm not "old," and I know there's still plenty of time to date, get married, and (possibly) have children.
I also know I can be more than content on my own. I'm comfortable going out alone - I went to a concert and two restaurants by myself just this week. I have all the affection and cuddles I could hope for in my precious Lottie. God has blessed me with a busy life that is full and rewarding whether or not I have a man in it at any given time.
Even still, I can't help but daydream.
It's not the every-dayness that bothers me, really; it's the big picture. The goals, the dreams, the things to work towards. I've always thought I'd be making these goals and planning these dreams with my partner, but as the years continue to turn, I can't count on that. Should I begin to plan that it'll be just me? Should I begin working towards my own individual goals 10, 20, 30 years from now? I know well enough how quickly time passes. There's so much I want to do - for God and for others. I want to go back to England, write books, take seminary classes, be a poodle foster mom. Some or all of those may or may not be possible with a family, I'm well aware. Should I just accept now that I'll be doing all of that on my own?
It's a hard pill to swallow. I've been turning it over and over between my fingers for awhile now, gulping.
In the meantime, I aim to continue to get back to being close with my Daddy, my Creator, my Lord...because in His welcoming arms I can find all the love, comfort, and companionship I know I will ever need.
It was the adult thing to do.
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